Controversy

I watched a documentary on Tommy Chong of Cheech and Chong fame today.  It was all about his shtick and his time in prison for distributing drug paraphernalia.  I know this is a very “scary” topic for some,  but remember, I am an out of the box kinda gal.  If you like my other blogs, this may be worth a read.

Tommy Chong was sentenced on the anniversary of 9/11.   Who are the terrorists?  “Be Like Me” disease in full effect.  Drug use is associated with terrorism according to Bush?  How does thinking outside the box make one a terrorist or criminal?  How does running a legitimate business warrant an Attorney Generals witch-hunt?

It’s not that I condone illegal drug use or legal drug use for that matter.  What I do condone is our first amendment rights, capitalism and taxation of controversial consumer products.  If we taxed the living crap out of medical marijuana here on the “left” coast, we would be dealing with a California State surplus instead of a double budget crisis within 6 months.

The vilification of tobacco could be viewed as reasonable from a health perspective.  But the reality is that our Constitution ensures we get to live our lives as individuals with individual choices.  So tax the “unhealthy” stuff to death and let people decide for themselves.

There are impacts on our lives from everything we put in our bodies.  Whether its food, drugs, sex, whatever.  There is  ALWAYS a price.  There will always be people willing to pay the price.  What we do as individuals, based on our own convictions, is part of the freedoms we seek and try to maintain as Americans.

Here’s the rub, I am a sober individual.  My drug of choice was legal and has been since the repeal of prohibition.  We certainly wouldn’t hear of anyone trying to make alcohol illegal now.  What we do see is Celebrity Rehab, Sober Living and Dr. Drew Pinsky championing people with real addiction learning what it means to get sober, live sober and process as a healthy human being.  The truth in what Dr Drew is doing in his activism for sobriety through reality TV is a legitimate cause in my eyes.  The Mirror Effect, Dr Drew’s latest book, bespeaks of the narcissistic culture our current society has created.  The idea of self deflation as the answer to our woes is real.  It works.  It is in every major religion.  The idea that we live “the Golden Rule” is a serious universal law. 

Tommy Chong broke the law when his company shipped a bong to Pennsylvania.  Albeit, it was an obvious entrapment case based on the back story that the “new” Attorney General stated on record that she was out to get Chong because of his shtick and open “promotion” of drug use.  There are consequences for breaking the law.  Jail time, probation, registering with the local police as an “offender”, paying back the state with garnished wages, living in a half way house.  Basically, one is owned by the government following a conviction on a drug charge.  Now, there are officials seeking to pass legislation to decriminalize marijuana.  Why?

Well, like I said earlier, Mary Jane is big business.  Water bongs and pipes sell like hotcakes.  Hookahs are still trendy.  Medical Marijuana makes people rich.  Why shouldn’t the government benefit from something that people have been doing for years.  Marijuana wasn’t outlawed until there were obvious cases of people abusing the stuff.  Well guess what, it didn’t deter the drunks and it hasn’t discouraged potheads.  It won’t people will continue to test the boundaries and limits of themselves and the law.  It is part of that narcissistic nature.  We are in pursuit of demi god status.  That is part of “sin”.  We as “fallen” creatures will continue to try to be like our Creator.  Whether it is through control or trying to lose control we want that feeling of what we think an infinite being feels. 

My truth is that I have no control.  I won’t ever have control and I don’t want it.  I would like people to live by the Golden Rule, however, it is a surprise when I see it.  I believe that people will continue to abuse whatever is banned.  I believe that people will try to reach the infinite and continue to fail.  What Tommy Chong did was enterprising and he was caught in a loophole.  Even if what he was promoting the use of was illegal.

Living our destiny

I have written in past blogs about my desire to live an intentional life.  To me, the idea that we come to understand ourselves and live in that truth is one of the foundations of being authentic.  When we come to that place of understanding, we are able to then give back.  We evolve and heal at a faster rate.  Our lives become what we imagined in our childhood fantasies. 

All this is not to say that we avoid negative occurrences.  I would love that but every old and new sage will tell us that is impossible.  What is possible is to learn the lesson.  We have the opportunity to see past the pain into the benefit of the trial we are in. 

One of my mentors spoke into my life about this very thing.  We have been working on a project together and I shared with her some of what I have been challenged with in my life.  Her words cut through to my soul as I read them.  Her words were like salve.  Everything she said I already knew to be true, yet, hearing someone else confirm my understanding was a divine experience.  I think Oprah calls that an “Ah Ha”.  I would agree.

This “conversation” pointed to the thing that can keep me up at night; am I living my destiny?  Does my life meet the potential that my Creator set out for me?  Do I address my character defects, regardless of if I conquer them?  Do I “act as if”in order to grow? I can say that I am making strides.  I am able to acknowledge that what I do for a living is what I always fantasized about as a child.  I have a loving relationship with my life partner that is beyond my hopes for myself.  I have a circle of intimates that I could never have wished for.  The new things that come into my life are consistently good.  The laws of Attraction are at work in my life.

So, now that I have this truth…I live in humility.  I continue to work on the defects of character and am thankful for the progress rather than the perfection.  I look to my divine Creator to give me more signs of the next indicated steps.  I remain grateful regardless of any pain.

I hope this brings hope to someone in a hard place in their life.  I don’t claim that anything will be any easier.  It just helps me to know I am living my destiny.

Acceptance

I was having dinner with some friends and we got onto the topic of what to do when a person we know and love does or is something we personally do not agree with.  How is one to act?  Do we tell them we don’t agree?  Do we stop being their friend?  Do we continue being around them?  The answers to these questions are so easy for me today.  Not because I am some guru that has attained nirvana, it is because I continue to search out the answers to these questions. 

I read a great book called Intellectual Foreplay that had a lot to say on this very topic.  The comment was simple.  I have three choices; 1. Try to change the person.  2. Accept the person.  3. Get out.  The meanings of these options vary depending on the dilemma.  If the unacceptable challenges my morals, beliefs or values, well, I have to decide if I want to accept the person inspite of or if I want to try and change the person.  Then there is getting out.  Do I get out of the relationship entirely or do I pull away and get out of that part of their life?

None of this is easy.  I will always find places in my spouse I want to change.  I will always find things in my friends that I want to change.  I will always see things in the world that I urge me to channel my inner activist.  When I say the answer is easy, it is.  The answer is that I have to decide where my tolerance level is in life.  Am I tolerant or offended?  Do I live in a state of, “I know how to do that better” or do I live in a state of, “C’est la vie”? 

For myself, the simplicity of making the decision to live in “C’est la vie” affords me a tremendous amount of serenity.  Here’s the thing about serenity; It is NOT some inattainable 12 step concept!  It is a state of acceptance of matters outside my control.  This surrender can be succumbing to something or it can be looking at a thing without prejudice.  Surrender happens in the midst of conflict.  Surrender happens with the unresolved.  Surrender happens where we are honest about ourselves.

In my life, I have some pretty big things that have happened to me that when people hear the story the typical response is, “Oh my gosh”.  I know that the pain of some of the paths of my life could have been avoided while in other places it is inevitable.  In a few of those circumstances, I had to get out.  In others, I have had to accept what other people want to do or say.  All of it went against my own morals, values and beliefs.  But here’s the thing…I am not capable of changing someone else’s mind.  I just do not have that power.  Frankly, if I could have it I would run the other way. So, do I live in pain because bad things have been done to me?  Hell No!  I take the big leap of faith and forgive the wrong.  I accept what has come across my path.  I move forward in my life sans a big chip on my shoulder. 

In the acceptance, I forgive.  The action of getting out of that which is destructive to me shows that I do not abide with the behavior.  In that I gain self preservation.  If I focus on the wrong, I stay in unforgiveness.  If I focus on my actions to “save” myself and throw a “C’est la vie” or “C’est la guerre” at the circumstance then I accept.  That is HUGE power.  That is bigger than anything we can do on earth.  To forgive another person is the biggest action we ever take.  Bigger than birth or death!  We accept that something happened to us, we forgive the wrong-even if it was totally f’d up, and we gain personal peace in our soul.

Reprieve

As I race through my days I find myself craving quiet time.  The idea of reaching that peaceful place that exists in the soul where time/space stand still and I can hear myself breathing.  The mind is silent, void of the noise of the coulda, shoulda, wouldas.  Oh to live in that world every moment.

The art studio that I work in is most days an exciting place to be.  There is a constant buzz of activity between staff, customers and regulars.  Life is one big reality show waiting to be captured.  We coexist and reflect on the kooky happenings that evolve as a result of being in an artistic environment.  I get to play “good cop/bad cop” at least once a week, we go on food hunts to find some fun new take out that will satisfy our emotional eating and the struggle of being creative 24/7  gnaws at my brain regularly.  Who wouldn’t love to have that kind of fun?  I am profoundly grateful for all of this.

The thing is, that more than this world, I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, an event planner, a professional organizer, a blogger, an entrepreneur,  a sober individual, a spiritual being,  and me.   How do I balance all of the demands that come with the roles I must play and still maintain some semblance of sanity?  I don’t really.  I take off certain hats and put them back on as needed.  The issue isn’t the ability to juggle it is the ability to stop doing so. 

I have crazy insomnia.  I do not take enough time for my own interests.  I neglect my friendships because I am too busy.  Even more than that, I don’t get quiet.  My days and nights are filled with events, activities and stimulation that really could be eliminated without any detriment to my soul.  Life could and would and should have so much more meaning than what is happening on CNN.  Come on!  Yes, it is important to be informed but at what point does informed mean I turn off the mind numbing boob tube and get down to the eternal aspects of my life? 

That day starts when I recognize that I have once again neglected the critical mass of my being.  I begin again to seek out the spiritual connection to my higher power and redirect my actions.  None of the inert activity is life threatening.  Thank God!  It does, however, distract me from the fact that when I obtain peace before all other things in my life, I am at rest.  I get the reprieve.  My soul is in charge and I am fully present. 

Now don’t get me wrong, saying my soul is in charge does not imply that somehow I am the omnipotent being of my life.  What that statement intends to imply is that I am approaching life from a spiritual perspective rather than an ego centered or task oriented perspective.  Let’s face it, my life and just about everyone else’s that I know is made up of a series of things we need to do, have to get out of the way before we can do the stuff we want.  When I start with the spiritual, the list is easier to prioritize, manage and swallow without getting choked.  Now that is a diet I really want to take on and see the success!

Grace and Humanity

In a former life I was known as the Bachelorette of Monrovia.  The days when I was single, presented so many interesting adventures that my friends and co-workers would sit with baited breath waiting to hear what the poor sap that took me to dinner did or said.  Many of the men that pursued me were nice enough fellows but said or did some grossly inappropriate thing that sent me scurrying in the other direction before they could take a breath.

I say all this to preface the reality that I am no longer the “rack em/stack em” dating girl.  I am happily linked to a life partner that knows me and loves me in spite of myself.  He is well aware of my character.  The good and the bad are understood, yet, I am loved.

I believe that this is how God views us.  I mean come on, He is omnipotent.  He can see all the stuff we do even when we are alone.  He knows our heart when we do stupid things that we regret later.  He knows all the dirt.  Yet, there is an incredible love bestowed upon you and me.  Even if we choose not to acknowledge God’s existence, we are still lumped into that group of creatures He loves. 

My friend was raised in a faith that was thick with prayers, chants and ritual.  It was conveyed that the only way to heaven was to be a good person and confess ones sins.  The idea that what we DO determines our entry into heaven was so ingrained into my friend that now after years of being out of that environment, we still hear trickles of this.  It may come out as, “that person got what they deserved” or “That is what you get when you are not with God”.  This scares me big time. 

Jesus was very clear that what we do will ALWAYS fail our desire to do good.  We will forever be subject to our finite nature.  We will forever be addressing our character defects on the journey to enlightenment.  The best part of what Jesus said was that no matter how good we are, we only get into heaven by an extension of grace. 

Merriam-Websters defines grace as unmerited divine assistance for sanctification or regeneration.  The words approval, pardon, favor and reprieve are scattered throughout the exhaustive definition.  This is exactly what I am talking about.  That part of our lives where we are spared certain ills that would come because of the things we have done or the wrongs we have committed.  It is this grace that propels me to be a more authentic, loving person. 

The people I have wronged in my life do one of two things. They either continue to hold a resentment for the offense or they forgive and move on.  Many that hold on to the perceived wrong live with negative emotions looming over them like a thick, gray cloud.  I wonder how that works because while I have been wronged in some pretty f’d up ways, those people are included in my daily prayers.  I wish for them that my God would give them what they need and spare them from great harm.  I don’t know many people that don’t struggle with this concept but for some reason God has decided that I am free from the hatred of those that have hurt me and taken precious things from me.  I genuinely feel bad when I hear that those folks have gone through hardship.  To me, life is difficult enough without yet more coming down the pipe at us.

We are all human.  We all fail.  We all hurt other people.  It is the grace of a great Universal Being that says, “When you are through being hurtful, I have another way; love”.

“Right” Thinking

As an artist and Art Instructor, I am exposed to many schools of thought.  As someone in recovery from addiction, the schools get even broader.  As a recovering “religious zealot” well, the sky is the limit.  So what have I learned?  I realize that life comes in many shades of grey versus black and white.  Our circumstances can dictate the broadening of perspective, values and outlook.

As Spring Break now lasts most of April thanks to our local school districts staggering the vacation weeks, I have a “friend” that brought her boys by the studio.  Both boys are very young, I believe they are early elementary school.   The eldest was completely disarmed by our studio approach to painting.  He was literally telling me, a commissioned artist and seasoned instructor, how things are “supposed” to be done.  Having not experienced this narrow thought process since interacting with my ex-husband, I was initially gobsmacked.  After a quick recovery, I began to challenge the thinking of this young child by explaining the reality that there are many techniques to art.  His mother was shocked.  I continued to interact with the boy by responding to his debate with the facts of life in grey scale.  Towards the end of his visit, he finally stopped challenging me. 

This exchange got me thinking, what is right thinking?  The truth of the matter is that there are clear universal laws that are undeniable but for the most part, we live with shades of grey.  Perspectives can change based on how we experience life.  Who are we to tell someone that their experience is wrong  just because we have seen a different color along the grey scale?  Albeit, the black and white thinkers of the world tend to try and lead our political parties, government and education but why does life have to fit in black and white boxes?

Our politico here in the States is in a constant state of war.  The right and left wings battling out who’s view is the correct, best  or ultimate.  When I stop to look at the issues, I find that there is a different view.  My “unaffiliated” status grants me the opportunity to walk around the entirety of particular issues and determine my own opinion of a solve for whatever ails our country, state or city.  The decision NOT to align myself with any political agenda, interest group or party affords me the perspective of personal thought.  I am able to research issues based on my values, experience and convictions rather than a political party’s idea of what I am supposed to believe.  Most of the time, I find inclings of merit in aspects of what the opposing campaigns see.  Additionally, I find other answers that for me seem a better solve.   The perfect example is my own town.  Our current outgoing administration has been stuck in a battle with many disgruntled residents over development or re-development.  Back in the 50s and 60s, the city planners had a different idea of what our town “use mix” ratio was supposed to be than many do now in the new millennium.  Many residents feel that by limiting the amount of housing development we have along with maintaining the current industrial/commerce mix we will be retaining the charm of our town.  Our outgoing elected officials believe it is time to put a fresh face on housing by incorporating more work/loft options and moving the industrial dinosaurs out of our city’s commerce profile.  Personally, I understand both views.  I believe we can strike a balance between the new and old.  It is a new era and many changes have come to pass since we all got over our Y2K fears,  there is still a long way to go.  Options like “disguising” industrial,  negotiating with undesirable businesses and researching other city’s successful transitions can prove to be beneficial.  If the incoming city administration can keep themselves out of their own digestive tracts, we may be able to find real solutions.

 In recovery or more specifically in 12 step practice, there are extremists as well.  The badge of “book thumper” can be applied to the fanatical followers of the “suggestive only” printed materials available to those desiring relief from addiction.  In my own recovery, I have found that the only non-negotiables are following the first three steps.  It is impossible to change that which we do not acknowledge.  The only way to acknowledge our shortcomings is through introspection.  The reality of admission that we, left to our own devices, have made a melted chocolate mess of our lives is the core of real recovery.  The biggest leap for most addicts is to place our faith in a being greater than ourselves as the source of inspiration for our lives.  The agnostic has palatable suggested avenues via the group, nature, or the program.  Those that believe in a greater being have the choice to subscribe to a traditional God or seek a more unique definition of a higher power at large.  Whatever ones convictions, those in recovery find peace in their lives being ordered by a greater force in the universe.  Our lives have the greater purpose of service and deflation of ego brings about our ability to truly be available to others.  But none of this is a mandated guideline for anyone.  It is simply gentle presentation that maybe there is an alternative to what brought us to the demise of our lives.  Perhaps there is another way to exist.  The “thumpers”  would have one believe that if we do not acquire BLM disease (Be Like Me) we will not acquire a successful form of recovery.  All I can do is quote Dr Phil, “How’s that workin’ for ya?”

Finally, I come to my own personal controversy.  Is the “God” I grew up with the “God” of my true religion?  My answer is yes and no.  I have read and studied enough of the divinely inspired publication to come to understand that my God is so much more than the doctrinal definition.  My God has bridged the gap of religion and allows me to fail.  He does not judge my appearance, but my heart and the outward impact of the state of my heart.  God looks at my life to see if I am acting out my convictions.  I am not barred from entry into paradise because I have a tattoo, failed to attend church or let my humanity get the best of me.  I am encouraged by my God to live in tolerance of others and show them a different way by simply living differently.   Does this mean that I am not evangelizing by failing to proselytize my faith?  I think Donald Miller said it best when he described his feelings of appearing like a televangelist/used car salesman when he tried to share his faith.  Why is that a definition of belief?  How many “Christians” do we have to see parodied on late night television before we get the message that the “shark” approach to conversion is not effective? Someone please show me where in the Bible it says that Jesus told people they were less than in order to convert them.  The only thing I have ever read is that Jesus was honest, loving and gently persuasive.  This is a major contrast of color to the black and white thinking of most evangelical religious denominations.  Yet, it is clearly outlined in the ancient text.  Frankly, I don’t think I want to align myself with anything except my God.  I grew up being told that if I acted this way or that way I would lose my faith.  I didn’t know that failure defined such a loss.  I am confused by the platform that says if I struggle rather than overcome my sin nature, I am not saved.  There is no amount of prayer, fasting or confession that will ever bring  me to enlightenment.  The fact remains that I am a finite being therefore, destined to fail.  The only guarantee I have is an extension of grace.  This is promised to me, not by any human, preacher or denomination but by God himself.  I am the only one that can accept this gift on my own behalf.  I am the only one that can reject this gift.  No matter what my behavior, the only way to lose this gift is rejection.   Just like when I purchase a tangible item and receive a receipt for my purchase, I hold the receipt for my salvation.  I decide if my God is who He says He is and can do what He says He does.  Nothing else I do can change that.   My life, ideally, will reflect that decision.  However, based on the fact that I have a life span and imperfections, I will fail to live in perfect adherence to my convictions.  Ergo, I live in the grace.

I am sure there are those that know me who will be challenged by my opinions.  As with all other bloggers, I am merely stating my views.  We all have to come to our own place of understanding on issues.  I place my humble “belly button” on the matters out there to provoke thought.  It is my hope that others will come to believe there is a gentler way to exist than brow beating others with Be Like Me disease.

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Chocolate and Cigarettes

My husband and I spent the majority of our day on Saturday trolling around our town.  It was an exhilarating adventure.  We were both wild with hunger for culture and soul food.  In our efforts to feed the intellectual beast we stumbled on a flea market at a local church.  I am familiar with the church as they host mountains of 12 step meetings along with a number of community outreach programs. 

The basement was our destination for bargain hunting.  In this large room that hosts so many meetings, dances and the like was a thinly scattered assortment of junk.  The recognizable space was strewn with tables full of nothing, but in the back, was a room I had never ventured into before.  A bizarre latticed arch sat in front of the opening to the room.  A sign “religious books” was pasted on the open door.   As we walked in my heart sank.  “Yet another over-saved soul trying to convert me to their true religion”, I thought with heartache. 

A slight woman sat beaming on a couch behind one of the tables covered with books standing on end.  “How are you all today?” she questioned.  My politely bred husband gave his pat answer for this probing, “Great!” he beamed with enthusiam.  The conversation between them broke into where are you from and how nice to hear a bit of the South here and so on.  I was quickly trying to take an inventory to see just how religious this group of Christian smatterings was going to be and whether I needed to be debriefed after our exploration. 

The woman asked if I was looking for anything in particular after I showed my husband a 12 step book I knew neither of us possessed.  I answered her vaguely, hoping to be invisible and escape the oncoming prostalization of my soul.  Then, she surprised me.  She suggested a book that she claimed was just a good read.  I was told that the woman had sought the input of her pastor’s wife and that she proclaimed it to be a non Christian, Christian book. ” Well”, I thought, “if that is the case and it is 50% off why not?”

I bought the book then we high tailed it out of the church basement as I was starting to suffocate from too much of what looked to be a religious event.  Our travels took us to one of the best book stores in our town, Vromans.  Now to enlighten those not from the San Gabriel Valley, there are chain stores and there is Vromans.  The store is touted as containing a unique selection as well as the ability to order anything for its customers.  The heady staff is quick to help a reader along their quest for the most cerebral of experiences available in print.  This, was my religious experience for the day; the mecca of print. 

We must have spent an hour or so combing the “little” Vromans in Hastings Ranch.  Both of us were giddy with excitement at the bright and shiny publications just begging for us to take them home.  I managed to scour the bargain tables finding some fun quote books to add to my expanding collection and a gift for my artsy brother, whose birthday was the day before.  I was in a state of bliss as we drove home both of us eager to dive into our new adventures in reading.

Before I went to bed, I picked up the book I bought at the church.  With trepidation, I read the jacket and looked for information about the author.  I was surprised to read that he had contributed to  something entitled, Killing the Buddha.  ”This is hopeful”, I thought.  The story opened up to be somewhat autobiographical.  I read portions to my husband.  He was intrigued as much as I was.  This could actually be something I purchased where there was truth in advertising, amazing!

Today, I am still following the story.  One third of the way through, Blue Like Jazz, I find myself blogging my thoughts on something dear to my heart, Jesus.  Not because this book turned out to be religious but because it turned out to hold the common thread of belief sans religiosity.  In the portion of the story I just completed, the writer is sharing an experience of a woman he came to know while auditing classes at a nearby college.  He shares the background of two women from the college that went to study in France for a semester.  The best part is what the one gal says.  

” ‘ So then you started reading the Bible?’ I asked.  ’Yes. We would eat chocolates and smoke cigarettes and read the Bible, which is the only way to do it if you ask me.  Don, the Bible is so good with chocolate.  I always thought the Bible was more of a salad thing. you know,  but it isn’t.  It is a chocolate thing.’ “

“What in the world, how can I be reading this in a ‘Christian’ book?” I thought to myself.   But it is true.  The New Testament is perfect with  indulgence.  It is luxurious.  It is thought provoking, radical and potentially volatile.  I adore the statement of reading with two very good and bad things.  The endorphins that are stimulated by nicotine, caffeine and all the other features of chocolate and cigarettes are the same endorphins that stimulate those of us that get a high from reading scripture.  I realize to most this sounds ridiculous.  I will say it is.  I will also say if you haven’t experienced the rush you are missing out on an amazing adventure. 

I still don’t drink the water of the over-saved.  However, I do love Jesus, His life and what He stood for;  the controversy of finding truth in the midst of questionable circumstances.

Girl Power

I have realized that the older I get, the more I surround myself with amazing women.   The studio where I freelance is owned by two sisters, my walk buddy is a woman, my mentors are women, I only go to women’s 12 step meetings.  I think I see a trend. 

I don’t have a logical reason for all the estrogen that influences me.  What I do know is that I am appreciative of the collaborative approach we all have to life.  It is as if we do life by committee.  Knowing women, this would seem to be part of our natural process; to receive input from others, gather as much information as possible before moving forward on decisions.  More than validation, I am convinced this assists my circle of influence with making the best decisions with the most information we can possibly have.  We all research things differently, so we suggest to each other points of view.  It really is an amazing result of women putting their heads together.

If we are becoming older and wiser, I would hope that we chose to give back to the younger set.  I still see too many “girls” with skewed perspectives of what the important goals of a woman’s life should be.  Yes, we all want to have a life partner and procreate, but is that the true value of a woman?  As a dear friend says, “Come on”!  We are more than the sum of our reproductive organs.  We are multi-faceted gems waiting to be chiseled by life into our precious nature.  We have the potential to be anything: even world leaders!  Yet, too many girls fall into the trap of believing that a man completes us. 

A man’s role in a woman’s life is companion.  To be there in the journey of life for sex, romance and stuff.  If those of us that maintain “traditional” relationships are honest, we try too hard to have the men in our lives meet all our relationship needs.  We try to make our guy our best girlfriend.  Not only does this disappoint us, it emasculates men.  Guys don’t get our emotions.  They have no comprehension of why we need to talk something out to the inth degree before we act.  Men have no idea why we bitch, they just don’t get it.  They are not wired the same way.    Yes, we do go through hard times with our partners, it is inevitable.  We know that our true consolation in those times, however, comes from our closest friends.  Usually, our guys switch into their survival mode.  Who can blame them?

As a woman, our ideal goal should be to endeavor to create a life for ourselves where we can be self supporting and able to give back.  Be the person we think is great.  The authentic self comes through in those efforts.  When we give back, we are able to receive the fulfillment of having a purpose.  We see lives transformed as ours were by those that gave to us.  Our actions contribute to the betterment of the world at large.

I still don’t have the tangible answer to how we convey this to the younger sisters among us.  I can only see that we share our experience, strength and hope in an environment of acceptance.  Basically, we live by example.  My memories of those women who didn’t worry about being an authority in my life and just related to me on an authentic level are the ones that left the greatest impression on me. 

With all this said, I chose to continue living an intentional life.  I chose to show the girls in my world what female humanity is as it has been displayed to me.

A Walk

How many times in our lives do we face the unexplained, unreasonable, or down right crappy and forget to process the feelings? 

I had the opportunity to face the finite nature of life this week.  What a challenging scenario for the status quo.  I was bombarded with fear, anger, sadness and the unknown.  My knee jerk reaction was to try and stuff the turmoil in my soul.  Yet, I did something different, I went for a walk. 

Spiritually, I took a walk down the emotions coursing through me.  The walk of fear was an exercise in looking death straight in the eye and saying: “You may take something from me but you are not able to strip me of the path that has been imbedded here.”  The walk anger showed me,  was the true nature of a base secondary emotion.  I saw the teather linking fear to anger so clearly.  My idea of how life should work out was the teather for anger.  Not getting “my” way was the tantrum of the little girl stripped of her ideals.  Sadness’ path was only a short stint down a long stretch of thickly canopied dirt road.  The journey was a taste of the long dark stretch that will come when death has won the battle of a life.  We that stay on the earth must travel the path laid by sadness in order to reach an oasis of acceptance. My continued treck along the unknown threatens peace.  The education of the heart and mind that the unknown course is our daily walk seems to be the hardest of all travels.  When I look to my higher power, God, I find great comfort in the picture of my mind’s eye.  My omnipotent being that knows me, loves me, accepts me just where I am has outstretched arms and a thick body like a grand redwood.  He is waiting for me to seek the sanctuary of his plan for my life. My piddly little outline of what I think my life is supposed to be about pales in comparison to the step by step walk I take with God in my authentic life.  If only I chose to walk in His plan without stepping off  onto my idea of where the road should be. 

Physically, I did take a walk.  I chose the instant gratification of the Nun’s Walk.  This path stretches past a local Catholic center and meanders along the dividing line of two cities ending at a park.  There is a paved trail surrounded by foliage with an unpaved horse trail paralelling the path.  As California is beginning its short spring season, the wildflowers are in full bloom along the Nun’s Walk.  Each step I take these days is rewarded with a vision of creation in its clearest, true expression.  I took my best companion, Sandy Boy, along for my walk.  We ventured on to the horse trail so the ever present tracking instinct of my terrier could be sufficiently worn out.  As my shoes crunched in the gravel a sort of healing took place inside my soul.  All the emotions that had been bombarding me began to be crunched under my movement.  The importance of them diminished and the peace of communing with my God in his world took over.  Time, daily obligations and anything else on my agenda was washed away by the beauty of a canopy of California Oak trees.  The clear air filled my lungs with resolve.  My soul responded to the physical and finally came to rest in the great arms of God.

I would like to say that I am resting in that safe haven I have described, however, the journey is one that I am forced to take daily.  Whether I go to my place of commune with my creator or I reminsce to bring my mind back into balance, I will forever be required to take the Nun’s Walk to acquire peace in the midst of life’s storm.